My American friends are all whispering the same rancid royal rumor. It's not just Andrew... this could bring everyone down: KENNEDY

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Six unmarked police cars swooped into Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor's home on King Charles' Sandringham estate on Thursday and scooped him up like so much dog poop on a sidewalk.

The Windsor formerly known as 'Prince' was arrested on 'suspicion of misconduct in public office,' for allegedly shuttling secrets to pedophile Jeffrey Epstein back when he had a semi-legit job as UK Trade Envoy.

His unroyal hiney was cuffed on the former Party Prince's 66th birthday and, like arthritis and a bulging prostate, the gift of misery was the only one handed to the once coddled codger this year. That and the shiny pair of silver bracelets, dangled in his direction, on his way to lonely lock up.

Andrew is known to American fans of The Crown as 'the Queen's favorite son,' but there's no defying gravity from his wicked fall that must have his late, beloved mother spinning like an Olympic figure skater in her grave.

Epstein took great pains to document his relationships with powerful people he knew would be taken down once the Feds took possession of his millions of pages of communications as evidence after he 'killed himself.' From heads of state to rock stars and billionaires. No one was spared – not even (former) royalty.

Andrew's biggest problem appears to have been a total lack of childhood discipline, unfettered access to privilege and a disconnect from the sharp and plentiful moral boundaries than manage to keep the rest of us in check.

And it's not just Andrew: his obsequious and creepy ex-wife Sarah 'Fergie' Ferguson burrowed her head so far up Epstein's backside, it's a wonder her freckled skin ever saw the sun when she reconnected with the kiddie-fiddler once he got out of prison in 2009.

She wasn't alone. Five days after he was sprung from federal custody – where he'd been locked up for sexually assaulting young girls – Fergie, took her own girls Beatrice and Eugenie (then aged 20 and 19) to lunch with the perv.

The Windsor formerly known as 'Prince' was arrested on 'suspicion of misconduct in public office,' for allegedly shuttling secrets to pedophile Jeffrey Epstein back when he had a semi-legit job as UK Trade Envoy

And it's not just Andrew: his obsequious and creepy ex-wife Sarah 'Fergie' Ferguson (pictured with Andrew, September 16, 2025) burrowed her head so far up Epstein's backside, it's a wonder her freckled skin ever saw the sun

Queen Camilla, King Charles, Prince William and Catherine, Princess of Wales pictured in 2023

Epstein reportedly financially supported the grifting proxy-royal for years – even Beatrice has found herself roped into the narrative, as a de facto publicist who counseled her compromised parents on how to best deal with the Epstein fallout.

Bea apparently talked her buffoon of a father into sitting for that disastrous 2019 Newsnight interview, in which he used her as an alibi – claiming to have been at Pizza Express celebrating her fifteenth birthday on a night Virginia Giuffre alleged she encountered him.

Andrew also claimed he was incapable of sweating, but he looked pretty clammy to me when he was photographed leaving the clink on Thursday.

Now Fergie is crying 'Uncle!' begging for mercy and claiming she's somehow a victim of her horrible choices. This needy, co-dependent, leg-humper is now boo-hooing from her secret hideout that the world is being unfair to her. But the rest of us are like, 'B****h please, save your tears for Epstein's legion of actual victims.'

One source close to the estranged lady-ginger tells the Daily Mail, 'She feels deeply depressed and that the world is out to get her. She is very, very down. Some people, including Sarah herself, are worried for her mental health.' Too bad her dead sugar daddy can't whisk her off to a sanatorium!

Hey source, does she feel any remorse?

'What she doesn't appear to feel is remorse for what has happened. She just wants this to all go away and allow her to get on with her life. Her head is in the sand.' 

Welp, I guess that's better than having it up Jeffrey's rump.

I don't care what remnants of royalty these damaged Yorks cling to, they should all be banished for their Epstein association before it drags down their remaining relations who we can already barely stomach as it is.

So, I'll confront what everybody's clearly whispering about behind closed doors...

It wasn't long ago the biggest threat to The Firm was moaning Meghan Markle's cries of casual racism; now sonny boy Andrew might be looking at serious prison time, and we have to read about Fergie, who fangirled over a pedophile, begging Epstein to 'marry me' as she bragged about her then-teenage daughter's 'shagging' weekend.

Bea apparently talked her father into sitting for the 2019 Newsnight interview in which he used her as an alibi for a night Virginia Giuffre (seen in the now infamous picture with Andrew) alleged she encountered the creep

The Crown hooked Americans on the drama and pageantry of the Royal Family, but that story has aged as well as a day-old donut in a maggot storm.

We loved Diana and hold a torch for her legacy, but most of us are so disgusted by entitled Andrew and his band of hangers-on that we'd be happy to toss the entire soiled bunch into the dumpster of days gone by. Anyone else in the mood for a York roast?

William, Kate and their cute, photogenic kids might be the only savior of an institution that's starting to feel like a rancid relic. Even with a pared down monarchy and global goodwill, they face an uphill battle from the mountain of garbage Andrew and his ilk built for them out of some sickening need to appease and appeal to a sicko child-rapist.

I bet future King William would like to bury them all in the sands of history.

Bad Jeans

Sydney Sweeney launched into the stratosphere with her American Eagle 'Good Jeans' campaign. RFK Jr launched into a cold plunge in his denim duds. The Health Secretary filmed himself working out alongside Kid Rock, wearing nothing but his Levis. So who's going to tell the MAHA nut nobody wants to see him topless.

RFK Jr launched into a cold plunge in his denim duds

Punch Drunk

Shia LaBeouf looked a little shy sprinting out of jail after his New Orleans Mardi Gras arrest for punching two dudes in a bar brawl. If he keeps this up he might want to make like Jake and Logan Paul and get paid for his pugilism instead of his acting.

Shia LaBeouf looked a little shy sprinting out of jail after his New Orleans Mardi Gras arrest

Model Misbehavior

Hindsight is being unkind to early reality TV staple America's Next Top Model, and Tyra Banks and crew are under fire for body shaming, torturing and starving contestants on the show. 

Oh boo-hoo, girlies. I'm sorry, but it's hard for us normies to feel bad for beautiful people who were judged - and rewarded! - for their looks.

Send in the Clowns 

Given Zendaya and Robert Pattinson interviewed each other for Interview magazine you'd have thought there would be a budget for hair and make up. 

No - wearing polyester wigs and melted red crayon for lipstick, apparently they had to raid a Vegas stripper's beauty trunk.

Ex-rated

Nicole Kidman is playing hard to get. Fancy pants millionaire Paul Salem (I've never heard of him either) is trying to woo her, but unlike her ex, Keith Urban, who's in full-on midlife crisis mode, Nic is focused on raising her two daughters. 

Babygirl is a 'happily single woman', and it's her sexiest role yet.

 Given Zendaya and Robert Pattinson interviewed each other for Interview magazine you'd have thought there'd be a budget for hair and make up.

Babygirl is a 'happily single woman', and it's her sexiest role yet

A Oh Dear

Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio Cortez stammered through her appearance at Munich Security Conference. She tripped up on a question about Taiwan, then claimed Venezuela is 'south of the equator'. No, dear. But your foreign policy knowledge is certainly that low.

Slip sliding away

Olympian Eileen Gu – born and raised in the US but competing for China for millions of dollars – got snippy after she landed two silvers. Asked if it was 'two golds lost', she moaned, 'I've done things that have literally never been done before.' 

Yes, but now someone is doing them better - it's all downhill from here sister

Great Dane

McSteamy has entered the great on-call room in the sky. Dreamy Eric Dane, who played iconic hot doctor Mark Sloan on Grey's Anatomy, succumbed to his battle with ALS on Thursday. Dane died at 53.

Dreamy Eric Dane succumbed to his battle with ALS on Thursday

In 2020 I asked a few Grey's Anatomy actors to make a shout-out video for my daughter who loved the show and was obsessed with becoming a surgeon.

Dane sent her the sweetest, most encouraging video and included a morsel I had long forgotten: when the two of us were 18, Eric Dane and I went on one date.

I apparently blew him off, but he was a good sport about it and clearly a great guy and an amazing father who left an indelible mark on the world.

Rest easy, Great Dane. And God bless your sweet daughters to whom your memory will always be a blessing.