I sneakily looked at my perfect son's phone... What a terrible mistake! Now I can't unsee it. The horrors: DEAR JANE
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Dear Jane,
I am a single mom to a teenage son who is my pride and joy.
I have raised him to excel in school, be involved in extracurricular activities and take part in community volunteer work – all things he seems to enjoy. He has never been in any sort of trouble and, to my mind, is something of an angel child.
That's why I was so alarmed when I saw what was on his phone.
He left it in the car during soccer practice and it was buzzing with messages from his friends.
As I reached to turn it off, I caught a glimpse of the texts.
He and his friends had been sending shocking videos and photos that contained extremely offensive language, making racist jokes and sharing posts that were derogatory towards women.
And they seemed to find it all funny, laughing at this offensive content and egging each other on.
I'm appalled. This isn't the boy I know and I have never heard him share any of the views he was expressing so freely in these texts.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I've made a horrible mistake with how I've raised my son somehow.
How do I talk to him about what I saw on his phone and how do I put an end to it?
Sincerely,
Petrified Parent
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers' most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Petrified Parent,
It can be jarring and discombobulating to discover that our children are not the angels we think they are.
As the mother of children who I thought were pretty damn perfect, I only discovered in their twenties just how many times they snuck out the house, or threw parties when their father and I were away.
Luckily, by the time they told me, we were all able to laugh about it.
It sounds like you have instilled all the right values in your son. So, it is possible that, rather than him being a bad kid who eschews everything you have tried to teach him, he is simply succumbing to peer pressure.
High school is brutal and kids will contort themselves into all kinds of shapes to fit in. Of course, that doesn't mean that you, as an involved parent, don't have to correct the bad behavior.
But, try to set aside how appalled you feel and understand him instead.
Sit down with your son and tell him what you have seen and how it makes you feel, as both a woman and a mother. Explain the dangers of indulging in this kind of talk, even if he sees it as a joke and not something he actually believes.
You can encourage him to stand up for himself. Spell out the importance of telling his friend group that this is wrong, and of being the one who does the right thing.
Ultimately, you cannot control what his friends do, but you can certainly explain why living according to the values you've taught him matters, and why he should no longer contribute to this vile group chat.
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