My wife has made the same sex mistake for 10 years. I can't keep pretending I like it: But, says DEAR JANE, so many women do it too!
Dear Jane,
My wife is terrible in bed – but I don't know how to tell her.
We've been together nearly a decade and I'm afraid to hurt her feelings, but I can't take it anymore.
When we first started dating, our sex life was average – not mind-blowing, not bad – and I adored her, so I never gave any feedback.
But it has only gotten worse.
She rarely wants to have sex and, on the off chance she does, she isn't an active participant.
Frankly, it's boring, and it doesn't exactly make me want to jump into bed with her either.
This has gone on for years – and admittedly, I have only enabled it because I haven't bothered raising my concerns out of fear of insulting her.
Every attempt I've made to even voice a desire of mine is met with indifference – or, in her attempt to meet my needs, she somehow makes the experience worse.
I feel that we are at an impasse. I fear I cannot continue to be in this kind of relationship, but don't know if a lackluster sex life is worth blowing up my marriage.
How do I voice my feelings gently, and what should I do if she refuses to change?
Sincerely,
Marital Misgivings
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers' most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Marital Misgivings,
This is so hard to navigate in a marriage, but, as painful as this is for you, know that you are not alone.
I have received countless letters about the very same issue, but it is not abnormal for people's sex drives to change.
It could be hormonal changes, or shame and anxiety. The culprit could be brewing resentment that has built up over time, feeling unappreciated or unvalued, or simply that she has no idea what you desire.
It does, however, seem that this is less a problem about sex itself, and more about communication.
The two of you need to have an open and honest conversation - one that starts with you saying that the sexual connection between you feels off.
Do not mention that you think she's bad in bed. Rather, focus on how you feel.
Say you miss feeling desired and being intimate with her. Tell her you're bringing this up not to try and make her feel bad, but to see if you can find a way back to each other.
Often, sex becomes rote after many years, and playfulness can introduce a frisson that has long been missing. Ask questions. Be curious.
Above all else, ensure that this is a conversation in which the two of you are equal participants.
You're not looking for her to change to meet your needs, but finding out whether she's open to the two of you figuring this out together and whether she would want to explore ways to bring intimacy back to your marriage.
How she responds will be a great indicator of the future of your relationship. If she's open to hearing you, there is every chance the two of you can find a way back to one another.
Wife of wealthy restaurateur made haunting social media post before he killed her and their two young children