My fiancé has been telling me the same lie every night for years. He doesn't know that I've worked it out... must I now dump him, DEAR JANE?

• e-mail

Dear Jane,

I recently discovered that my fiancé has been telling me the same lie for years – and it has made me question our entire relationship.

He decided to go back to school to get his master's degree, enrolling in night classes after his day job.

The schooling take up the lion's share of his income, so I have taken on the responsibility of paying our rent, keeping the lights on and putting food on the table – but I never minded, because I was proud of his ambition.

That all changed when I found out that he has been living a lie.

The program he told me he enrolled in was for two years and, as I anticipated graduation approaching in the coming months, I asked him for details about a ceremony.

But he refused – repeatedly. Instead, he made excuses, saying he wasn't interested in attending commencement and that he was too busy.

So, rather than arguing, I just took it upon myself to call the college and ask about the ceremony, giving them his name and program.

That's when I was informed that he wasn't graduating – in fact, he was no longer enrolled. He had, as it turns out, dropped out of classes during the first semester and told no one.

It felt like the ultimate betrayal. How could the man I'm supposed to be marrying lie to my face every day? And what was he doing for hours after work if he wasn't in a lecture?

He has no idea that I know his secret, which has made me reconsider marrying him. I cannot see myself spending the rest of my life with someone who so easily lied to me.

Do I confront him and allow him to explain himself, or do I call off the engagement and leave?

Sincerely,

Betrayed bride-to-be

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers' most burning issues in her agony aunt column

Dear Betrayed bride-to-be,

There are a number of reasons why your fiancé lied, and I suspect that all of them come down to the same thing: shame.

While we can feel compassion for someone messing up their life due to shame, his lie is deeply concerning. 

You're getting married, but now the foundation of your relationship is shaky. You are his future wife, the person he is supposed to be closest to and with whom he needs to be completely honest.

This huge lie shows a lack of integrity. It means he was comfortable allowing you to love a version of him that simply wasn't real. 

Anyone willing to lie about something this big is also willing to lie about small stuff.

He also allowed you to carry the full financial burden while he was pretending to study. That financial entitlement is yet another red flag. 

Not to mention, as you note, you have no idea what he was getting up to after work.

Call off the engagement and leave. It may be the hardest thing you will ever do, but you will be saving yourself a boatload of future pain. 

In a healthy relationship when you hit bumps in the road, when you lose jobs, drop out or life doesn't go as planned, you come together to navigate it as a team.

But this lie was not a simple mistake. It was a sustained pattern - and this man will only let you down again. I don't see any way in which you will be able to rebuild trust, or believe anything this man tells you. 

Ultimately, you're not leaving to punish him, but out of self-preservation. You deserve someone who respects himself enough to tell you the truth, and shows you their real life, with all its flaws and disappointments - not their imagined one.

Dear Jane,

I have repeatedly told my wife how important it is that she picks up the slack in the kitchen – but even for Thanksgiving, she's refused to give a helping hand.

She has never been one to cook. Throughout our entire relationship, I've been the chef, making her breakfast every morning and dinner every night.

After years of this, though, I was starting to grow tired of doing all the work in the kitchen and expressed to her that I'd love her to cook me a meal every once in a while. She agreed but never followed through.

Now, it's nearly Thanksgiving, and we're hosting our extended families. So, I asked her to help me make one or two of the side dishes, as I will be focused on the turkey and will have little time to prepare anything else.

Instead of agreeing to help, she complained that she didn't know how to make any of the dishes and would likely mess them up, so it's just better if I do it.

Now, she has stuck me with all the prep work and cooking for a major holiday gathering – and doesn't seem to feel guilty in the slightest. To me, however, that is a slap in the face.

I'm worried that if this continues, I will resent her. Is our relationship doomed, or is there a way to make her see how important this is to me?

Sincerely,

Turkey troubles

Dear Turkey troubles,

There is an old expression about expecting people's behavior to miraculously change after years of being set in their ways.

It's like going to the hardware store for milk. 

In other words, you don't go to a store to buy a product that they've never stocked, never thought about stocking, never will stock. 

The hardware store isn't the one with the problem - you should never have gone there expecting to buy milk.

This situation strikes me similarly. 

You know your wife doesn't like to cook. Even though she has agreed to cook you the occasional meal, she has never followed through. This tells me not only how much she dislikes cooking, but also that she doesn't know how to clearly tell you no. 

But know this isn't about you - it's about her massive disdain for cooking. 

In fact, I think it is unfair to expect a different reaction, particularly when you're hosting. What kind of dish do you imagine a woman who hates cooking is able to make? I'm not sure I'd want to try her sweet potato pie or green bean casserole…

Stop trying to mold your wife into something she cannot ever be. Instead, focus on the things she does that are helpful. 

And most importantly, give yourself sufficient time to prep. As someone who had all six children home every Thanksgiving, plus many family and friends, I know a thing or two about catering for large numbers of people.

Make the side dishes two days before so you're not killing yourself on the day trying to get everything done. Make a list of timings - when you need to put the turkey in, baste, make the gravy, etcetera. 

I promise you, there's a way to cook for dozens and still have it be stress-free - and without resenting a partner who would likely make a mess of things anyway.